The Buddleia-cutting Hero

I had a moment where I had just finished my diary and I had explored the things that were bothering me, and there were lots of them. It’s obviously a repeat thing for me to be constantly moving back in and out of doubt. Doubts will come and go and come again. And they do.

So I watched it and suddenly I had this strong experience of confidence. It sounded like my voice but it told me it was Jesus’s, and what’s more, it stuck with that story quite strongly and said, ‘No, I am definitely Jesus’ voice. I’m sounding like you because you’re frightened of listening to me.’ And I followed. I followed what it said. And it said, very clearly, ‘Right now, right now, the most important thing that you could possibly do is dead-head the buddleia’. And I know that at a thinking mind egoic level, cutting the buddleia cannot be the most important thing in the universe to do. But Jesus assured me that it was the most important thing in all of time and space, and that there could be nothing more, that my whole life, and all the lives before me, had been leading to this one moment where I was going to dead-head that buddleia and not do anything else, and that all my training, everything thus far, was all to: will she, on this day, on this morning, will she pick up the secateurs and follow the direction which is to dead-head the buddleia?

It was very, very specific what the job was; and it was definitely not to get distracted by other things; not to get pulled into other stuff; not to argue; not to anything, but to just really, really, take this as a genuine, important thing to do, was to dead-head that buddleia.

And as I was doing it, Jesus constantly with me, constantly advising me, supportive and egging me on in a very positive way. The messages and commentary were coming through thick and fast in terms of what I could hear myself saying, and it sounded remarkably like it was just me saying this to myself, and I was very aware of how silly it sounded, and I was very aware of how un-serious it sounded, and how remarkably unlikely of course.

But I just carried on doing it. I dead-headed the buddleia exactly as per instructions. It was saying ‘you don’t have to cut off all of it, and you don’t have to cut off the decent flowers’. But it wasn’t saying: ‘you mustn’t cut off the decent flowers’, it was very clear that was a kind of irrelevance. It was completely irrelevant whether I cut the decent heads off. It was mildly recommending I didn’t, on the basis that I should do the thing that brought me joy. And that probably there was pleasure to be had from some of those flowers. As I cut one and missed one it didn’t say no, you’ve done that wrong, it simply focused on taking the dead ones off, the ones which can seed. It didn’t care how I did it, it didn’t care about anything else, it just cared that I did it. It was very strong.

There was a strong sense, at the end of it, that you have just, in some way, saved the entire universe. There was a sense that, we, the angels, can celebrate! There was a sense that in some way, in some dimension, whatever I had done, there was success. There was a sense that, we the jubilant body are looking at this as being a HUGE success that she actually did, without distraction, without faltering, without procrastination, she followed the direction to dead-head the buddleia in that moment. And on whatever plain or rational it was a huge, huge, celebratory achievement, success, great, great, moment in the annals of entire history, of, not just of humanity but of all time and space.

And then after I’d done it, I went and made a cup of tea. And I treated it like it was just a simple folly. Not completely, because I am open to the possibility that I haven’t got a fucking clue about anything: about what anything means, what anything is, or what’s important. And how on earth do I know the magnitude of any action at all, ever.

It was sobering because it was humbling. It takes humility to follow through with something that seems ridiculous, and still just keep going with it; and not be put off, or judge the thing. Of course, it has this very simplistic lesson for me, which is: what is eating me? and, what qualification do I have, in any given moment, to have any real idea of how spirit operates, or what it’s for, or why. I have such a strong pre-existing construct of ‘this is good / that is bad’. Where in actual fact, I know, the truth is I have no comprehension, no real true knowledge whatsoever! In the same way I have no real true understanding or comprehension at the egoic mind level of what love is. We can say it’s this, or that it’s that, but all of it is absolute rubbish. And yet it’s also the innocence of little children playing in the sandpit.

I know the machine of the egoic world has such strong tenets of what constitutes important, what constitutes brave, what constitutes sane, what constitutes rational, what constitutes good. I also know that from everything I’ve learned I have so deviated for all of that and that none of it is correct, in my current understanding. I understand that I would feel lost when I have abandoned all the things which were there before, which I think the majority of everyone else thinks are the rules. Like the glory of sacrifice. Many, many, people, I believe, are living in a world where sacrifice is glorified with no real awareness that that’s an insanity and it goes so whole-hearted against anything that the concept of love could truly be about: where love is pain there is such a mental mess. We have such a strange mixed-up vocabulary. We have no real idea what words like joy and happiness mean. We have rationalised the most insane ideas. And because there is an agreement we sit with thinking agreement equals correct.

So, in some parallel universe somewhere I am the saviour of the entire universe and I have done amazing things this morning, by just, on the day, I dead-headed that buddleia. I have no reason not to laugh. And yet I will sit here for the rest of the day, for the rest of month, and the rest of the year, and the rest of my life, I will completely discount the fact that I just saved the universe. It will just be so unimportant in this crazy psycho planet world.

16 August 2018 JM