“Ogres are like onions.”

This is how the dream goes. I sit in prayer and I say “Jesus you are my friend”. And then I feel kind of embarrassed, humble, shame, disturbed. When I look at his presence I think that I’m not worthy to make such a bold claim. He’s too famous and big personality and then I look at that and know that I’ve been told God calls me friend and in my world I translate that as the Holy Spirit says I’m his Friend and then I thought, these are the series of the thoughts, you’ve just said that to butter me up, and then I looked at that thought and I thought, that means that behind the being buttered up, I’m suspicious of him still because I’m not worthy, and I thought about my suspicion about him and I thought about what Ken said yesterday.

(These thoughts happen so quickly they don’t take long they just go poop and they’re there), and I thought about what Ken Wapnick said that we think that ‘God’s gonna get me’, and I just ran that through my thoughts and I thought it’s this quality of ‘You hoodwinked me by being nice to me and you say all these nice things because you want to get me to that place, back Home, is what I thought, and get me on that kitchen chair and then you want to torture me, having got me there’. And then I thought “You think that Jesus and the Holy Spirit are gonna torture you on a kitchen chair in Heaven?”

And then I thought ‘what I mean’, when I brought that down, and obviously that’s not what I thought, was the feeling of being tortured, and then I thought, ‘What is the feeling of being tortured?’ and then I thought ‘it’s disapproval’.

Saying it takes about 15 times longer than actually thinking it, well actually probably more like 150 times longer, or a thousand times longer… it’s getting longer now just describing it.

Yea, and then it just made me realise that disapproval is a form of torture. And that was a minute when I thought ‘Woo, I better write this down’. Then I thought how people disapprove all the time. I regularly feel disapproved of, very regularly feel disapproved of. Now I know that I’m the one making that contorted judgement, because I’m thinking, that other people are thinking, that they disapprove of me.

I’m not quite sure where the actual disapproval is. I can’t honestly say that it’s actually in those people, but I believe it’s in those people, I believe they disapprove of me, I believe they disapprove of me even when they are not there.

So my kitchen is in a mess. And in my head, I’m thinking my sister Helen is over my shoulder going: “Well this is disgusting. It’s just so messy!” and then I feel this: “ Well I can see that you’ve tidied that little thing up but look at these other fifteen things you’ve made a mess of!” And my sister isn’t even in the kitchen she’s 150 miles away, and she’s got nothing to do with it, and she’s probably at church. And there it is again, me saying how far away she is and what she’s probably doing! It’s like I run all the puppets.

(Get ready for the rollercoaster ride. Here goes. Carriage clunk, clunk clunks up hill first.)

And even, God forbid, that one was to disapprove of me, I felt disapproved of yesterday, at some level I wouldn’t really know if someone was disapproving of me. It’s beyond me capacity to know what’s going on in other people’s’ minds, in this way of looking at things: this Newtonian universe we are upholding as a collective agreement. Even if we could nail something and say someone said: “I disapprove of Jules because she didn’t volunteer to be on Noms”, the truth of the matter would be we could look at the layers there and actually establish that none of the judgements about Jules in other people’s heads are actually judgements about Jules in other people’s heads.

God strewth, when you look at that it’s so true!

Firstly, there’s nothing going on, secondly there’s no heads, thirdly there’s no thoughts in anybody’s heads, the brain isn’t where the thinking takes place, they completely believe it is, me saying they completely believe, is me completely believing that they completely believe that, and that’s not true! And any judgement that a person might have about me is not a judgement about me it’s actually a projected judgement about them. I mean THAT’S how convoluted we are actually talking when we try to talk about anything! And I’m only telling you the layers I get!

Knowing this bigger picture, there’s even more layers that profound, wise, sage, Jules knows! There’s just so much there that’s virtually child-like. To say that the Guides, the team, my Crew, my drinking buddies: J, and the Holy Spirit, and Edward DV: are laughing at us children, is like, you know, “Here we go again, now I think that they are being disparaging.” But really laughter is about the only thing you can do about this because it’s a comedy, it’s a comedy of errors, but it’s a comedy. But whilst I’m down here taking it all very seriously, I just found this one thought that disapproval equals torture in this feather-weight place. We have these pictures of what torture looks like in the movies and it’s all horrendous, it’s really horrendous, and it’s very, very, scary, and yet when I bring it down, really bring it down, for me, disapproval is torture and it makes me think some thoughts along the lines of ‘we should not disapprove of one another, people shouldn’t disapprove. They don’t realise how incredibly powerful disapproval is in hurting other people. And then there’s that “You’re trying to solve it at the 11th grade level,” ie. they are really there, they are really doing it, they really need to be taught not to. And there I am again back on the carousel.

Magic Roundabout music to close.