I think this is the title
There are ambush moments, just when I'm thinking that I'm a super-hero, which is most of the time these days, when I sink back into the dull recognition that I'm not as advanced as I like to think.
Defence: there is a trend though. In which I am increasingly my better self.
It reminds me of those graphs. (Bare with me I have the mind of a curious child, keen to science it, but without the words or education to convey the ideas with.) In my minds eye I see a graph with two lines: one is all jagged ups and downs the other a smoother generalisation.
So I know that I trend towards an increasingly healed mind but on any given day I might feel huge self-attack and draconian self-lecturing.
I often use the analogy of surfing. I am now a competent psycho-surfer but whenever I fall off my board I'm surprised to find myself back in the surf. It used to depress me. I used to let the fall upset me and hold me back. I floundered in the failure and resented the need to start over again.
After a decade of practice I am much more resilient, wiser to reminding myself what my purpose is, and motivated to return to a better decision as quickly as I can.
But. But when I am in moments of discomfort.....
I get this wonderful opportunity to look at it.
I'm not sure what I was going to be writing about. This started off as two sentences in my own journal but then it suddenly seems not just for me.
I thought I was going to be writing about the fucked up state of the world and me getting caught on it hook again. But perhaps this is actually about
The Tool Box.
The Tool Box is a phrase I coined about 10 years ago. I have this friend, let's call him J. (He's also called Y,sh). (Well, he goes by quite a few names. Depending on the weather. Bit like Mary Poppins but with less impeccability.) J has a plan, or at least he has a way of seeing and he's more than happy to give, anyone who asks, as much help as anyone wants to accept. He doesn't charge but he is uncompromising. We have a special relationship.
So I inadvertently asked for help and he knew me well enough to know what would work best for me. Since then he's been gradually setting me up with a collection of tools. He's like a motorcycle mechanic.
The thing is I am my own worst enemy. And J knows that. I am the addict, the self-harmer, the judge, the jury and jailor. He knows everything about me. In fact, he knows me better than I know me. I haven't got a fucking clue.
So he's been spoon-feeding me ideas. They are like mental mighty companions. When I find myself sucked back into my temptations and addictions, when I start looking at things all wrong again, I pick one, any one will usually do the trick, and I throw that spanner into the works. Usually fixes it. It's a kind of derailleur.
So like, up there, at the top of this page, I started off about to whine about the 2020 October Blues that is rendering "everyone" despairingly miserable and how it all looks downhill forever, and I didn't even get as far as that before the auto-mechanic gets triggered into re-active correction.
What I love about it (that's a tool, a technique if you will) is that it uses itself against itself. So I go into defence - very ego-esque - but the defence is on Team Forgiveness, and quickly operates as an alibi thereof.
I am getting to be so surrounded with 'tools' that I can barely think anythink without triggering automatic correction.
Good Jaaab J.